"Text me when you get there! Please be careful- my life is in that car!" I yelled to Justin this morning as he walked up the hill to where his snow covered car was blowing out warm-up exhaust. He's off to orientation. Orientation at another hospital. The one where he will be picking up extra shifts. So that I can be a photographer instead of a lawyer. In the snow. In North Carolina. Where they don't salt the roads and no one knows how to drive in it.
I read a post recently on one of the many blogs that I obsessively follow that discussed holding on too tightly. I struggle with it every day. Maybe it's because I'm an oldest child. Maybe it's because I'm a girl. Maybe it's genetics. Maybe it's because I've had cancer more than once and know how quickly life can change. I hold on too tightly.
I have a funny risk tolerance. The notion has come up repeatedly lately as people respond to this career change I've decided on. You can tell the people with low risk tolerance immediately...when I mention that I'm shelving my legal career to pursue photography, they begin to blink quickly and insist that I HAVE to take the bar! Their discomfort is evident and I am often at a loss to convince them that I truly believe that it will all be okay, that they can't say anything that the voice of doubt in my head hasn't mentioned a thousand times a day.
My risk tolerance for most things is pretty high. I worked for years as a whitewater river guide, as a backpacking guide, and have done all of those "life to do list" things like sky-dived and bungee jumped and mountain biked in Moab. I quit school to "play outside" and moved on a whim whenever I got a craving for new geography. I met my husband when he and I were both jobless and hiking from Georgia to Maine, not sure exactly where we'd land when the hike was over! I like that kind of risk, it is what makes me feel like I am really living and not just "getting by." I recognize that, to great extent, it has been a privilege to be able to make these choices, and I will be the first to admit that not every risk I've taken has panned out as planned.
But over the last few years, there are areas of my life in which my tolerance for risk has diminished. While I'm still content to "jump out of a perfectly good airplane," watching my husband drive away on icy, unsalted, roads to a hospital an hour away makes my heart clench with fear. The safety and well-being of the ones I love is a risk that I'm no longer comfortable with.
So I will sit here and keep reminding myself that I can't hold on so tightly and wait for that phone to ring.
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Monday, March 2, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Sweets for My Sweet
Happy Valentine's Day!
I was writing in my journal this morning and thinking about what it means to love. I was thinking especially of what it has meant in my marriage, in my relationship with Justin these last years. My breath catches when I consider how truly and deeply privileged I am to have the heart of such a man.
Things have not always been pretty between us. Our relationship began as a long distance affair. While you can argue both the benefits and detriments of such an arrangement, we were eager to be in the same town and eventually just decided that it made more sense to move in together. Aside from the normal challenges of adjusting to cohabitation, very shortly after we moved in together, at the age of twenty-four, I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Let me just tell you- THAT will throw a wrench in a new relationship! Between treatments and side-effects, we were still trying to figure out what we were to one another, whether this person was "the one," and how to face looming mortality in the midst of our immortal twenties. There were some ugly times in there. Times when we weren't the partner that the other needed, that we hurt or disappointed or failed one another. But we kept coming back to this underlying truth: we loved one another. Through thick and thin, the love was there, even while we were still learning how to do it well.
At our wedding, we chose to do several things that were meaningful to us. One of them was, while we wanted to include the traditional vows, we also wanted to make some promises that would be more applicable to daily living, to the partnership that over the 5+ years we've been together, we've nurtured into something miraculous. So we came up with seven promises that we felt would keep us both healthy, happy, and in love. They ranged from promising to remember who we are as individuals and to do the work required to maintain a good relationship with ourselves, to making quality time together a priority even when it may mean sacrificing other activities that are important to us, to demonstrating our love each day through touch and affection. Even just the simple act of deciding on each promise brought us closer. We work toward fulfilling those promises every single day.
We also chose our reading very carefully. While there are so many gorgeous bits of both poetry and prose floating in the world of love, we chose to read an excerpt from Stephen Covey's The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I know it's not sexy, but we wanted something real to us. Something that said we would make it, that we would survive the tough times. The excerpt was a story about a man who approached Covey after a conference where he'd spoken about being proactive. The man said that he believed what Covey had said, but that it just didn't apply to all situations, specifically his own- he and his wife just weren't in love anymore. They'd tried a few things, but the love just wasn't there. He was concerned for their children, but just didn't see a way to feel in love agin. Covey told the man to love his wife. The man argued that they weren't in love anymore. Covey again told him to love her. The man, frustrated, asks how you can love someone you don't love. And Covey replies that love is a verb, that love-the feeling- is a fruit of love, the verb. He says that love is something you do- it is the sacrifices you make, the giving of self- that love is a value that is actualized though loving actions. And if you can be proactive and love (the verb), then love (the feeling) can be recaptured. Again- I know it's not sexy, but both of us just connected to this concept of choice, of actions defining our love.
My husband loves me every single day. I feel it in the coffee he preps and sets the timer for so I have a warm cup waiting for me when I wake up. I feel it in his willingness to run out and start my car or scrape my windshield when it's freezing outside just to spare me the moment of discomfort. I feel it when he looks at me. I feel it when he patiently rolls over and goes back to sleep without complaint when my snooze alarm rings for the 11th time at 5am (every. single. day.). I feel it when he calls me on his way home from a 13 hour shift at the hospital to let me know he's on his way and to see if I need him to pick anything up along the way. I feel it when he sits me down and says- don't defer your dreams, Cindy, I will pick up extra shifts to make the bills- you go grab that camera of yours and seek this thing that calls you.
I was writing in my journal this morning and thinking about what it means to love. I was thinking especially of what it has meant in my marriage, in my relationship with Justin these last years. My breath catches when I consider how truly and deeply privileged I am to have the heart of such a man.
Things have not always been pretty between us. Our relationship began as a long distance affair. While you can argue both the benefits and detriments of such an arrangement, we were eager to be in the same town and eventually just decided that it made more sense to move in together. Aside from the normal challenges of adjusting to cohabitation, very shortly after we moved in together, at the age of twenty-four, I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Let me just tell you- THAT will throw a wrench in a new relationship! Between treatments and side-effects, we were still trying to figure out what we were to one another, whether this person was "the one," and how to face looming mortality in the midst of our immortal twenties. There were some ugly times in there. Times when we weren't the partner that the other needed, that we hurt or disappointed or failed one another. But we kept coming back to this underlying truth: we loved one another. Through thick and thin, the love was there, even while we were still learning how to do it well.
At our wedding, we chose to do several things that were meaningful to us. One of them was, while we wanted to include the traditional vows, we also wanted to make some promises that would be more applicable to daily living, to the partnership that over the 5+ years we've been together, we've nurtured into something miraculous. So we came up with seven promises that we felt would keep us both healthy, happy, and in love. They ranged from promising to remember who we are as individuals and to do the work required to maintain a good relationship with ourselves, to making quality time together a priority even when it may mean sacrificing other activities that are important to us, to demonstrating our love each day through touch and affection. Even just the simple act of deciding on each promise brought us closer. We work toward fulfilling those promises every single day.
We also chose our reading very carefully. While there are so many gorgeous bits of both poetry and prose floating in the world of love, we chose to read an excerpt from Stephen Covey's The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I know it's not sexy, but we wanted something real to us. Something that said we would make it, that we would survive the tough times. The excerpt was a story about a man who approached Covey after a conference where he'd spoken about being proactive. The man said that he believed what Covey had said, but that it just didn't apply to all situations, specifically his own- he and his wife just weren't in love anymore. They'd tried a few things, but the love just wasn't there. He was concerned for their children, but just didn't see a way to feel in love agin. Covey told the man to love his wife. The man argued that they weren't in love anymore. Covey again told him to love her. The man, frustrated, asks how you can love someone you don't love. And Covey replies that love is a verb, that love-the feeling- is a fruit of love, the verb. He says that love is something you do- it is the sacrifices you make, the giving of self- that love is a value that is actualized though loving actions. And if you can be proactive and love (the verb), then love (the feeling) can be recaptured. Again- I know it's not sexy, but both of us just connected to this concept of choice, of actions defining our love.
My husband loves me every single day. I feel it in the coffee he preps and sets the timer for so I have a warm cup waiting for me when I wake up. I feel it in his willingness to run out and start my car or scrape my windshield when it's freezing outside just to spare me the moment of discomfort. I feel it when he looks at me. I feel it when he patiently rolls over and goes back to sleep without complaint when my snooze alarm rings for the 11th time at 5am (every. single. day.). I feel it when he calls me on his way home from a 13 hour shift at the hospital to let me know he's on his way and to see if I need him to pick anything up along the way. I feel it when he sits me down and says- don't defer your dreams, Cindy, I will pick up extra shifts to make the bills- you go grab that camera of yours and seek this thing that calls you.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Seriously!
Brace yourselves- there is big news coming! Are you ready?
I'm DOING IT!
That's right. After endless days and nights "bargaining" and what seems like a million and two conversations with Justin, the Mobbs, and my good friend, Meredith, I have officially decided NOT to sit for the bar exam after graduation and to pursue photography instead. Holy Crapp.
So amidst the screaming voices of self doubt and criticism raging in my head, there is this piece of my soul that sits quietly with her hands folded and smiles. She knew I'd get here someday.
I'm DOING IT!
That's right. After endless days and nights "bargaining" and what seems like a million and two conversations with Justin, the Mobbs, and my good friend, Meredith, I have officially decided NOT to sit for the bar exam after graduation and to pursue photography instead. Holy Crapp.
So amidst the screaming voices of self doubt and criticism raging in my head, there is this piece of my soul that sits quietly with her hands folded and smiles. She knew I'd get here someday.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
The Stages of Grief?
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote the book, "On Death and Dying." In it, she identified five stages that a dying patient experiences when informed of their terminal prognosis:
* Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
* Anger (why is this happening to me?)
* Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
* Depression (I don't care anymore)
* Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)
Lately I have felt as though I have been going through these stages as they apply to my career choice. While I would NEVER make light of the grief experienced by one diagnosed with a terminal illness or who recently lost a loved one, I do think that these emotional stages have been present in my day to day of late, albeit clearly to a lesser degree. My mental dialogue has followed a similar path several times a day of late...
First up is denial: "I can't pursue photography- I'm not a talented, artistic person, I don't know enough, and I am GETTING MY LAW DEGREE!!"
Next is anger: "I hate school. No I don't. Yes, I do. Well, too bad, this is the path YOU chose, Cindy, so now you are stuck with it AND the $100k it cost you! Oh, by the way, you are 30 years old- it's time to suck it up and get your act together!" (The more angry I get, the more I start addressing myself in the third person- yes, I know it's a problem)
Then comes bargaining: "Okay, I will practice law for five years, pay my loans down, and learn everything I can about photography, THEN I will leave the law behind and pursue this thing that awakens my soul." "Well...what if I practiced law part-time and did photography part-time? In a down economy, I'm sure that there are PLENTY of firms who would be happy to hire me on a part-time basis, right?" "No, no, no...practice for five years- you can do it, Cindy- be strong!"
And then I come to depression: "Don't be crazy...I have owned this camera for how many months? I'm not artistic...just face it, Cindy- you are stuck being a lawyer." (insert a big sigh)
The inevitable acceptance often appears as a bedfellow of the depression stage: "So that's that. The law it is."
My problem is that I never stay in depression or acceptance very long...I spend a gigantic amount of time and energy in bargaining. Justin bears my "bargaining" (as well as all the other stages!) like such a champ! He never fails to kiss me and tell me that he wants me to be happy- no matter what I decide to do with my life. (Which sends me right back to the bargaining table!)
I would venture to say that my "problem" is a true privilege- I am not deciding between food and rent here, but rather whether to choose one career path or another
while enjoying the support and encouragement of those that love me!
* Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
* Anger (why is this happening to me?)
* Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
* Depression (I don't care anymore)
* Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)
Lately I have felt as though I have been going through these stages as they apply to my career choice. While I would NEVER make light of the grief experienced by one diagnosed with a terminal illness or who recently lost a loved one, I do think that these emotional stages have been present in my day to day of late, albeit clearly to a lesser degree. My mental dialogue has followed a similar path several times a day of late...
First up is denial: "I can't pursue photography- I'm not a talented, artistic person, I don't know enough, and I am GETTING MY LAW DEGREE!!"
Next is anger: "I hate school. No I don't. Yes, I do. Well, too bad, this is the path YOU chose, Cindy, so now you are stuck with it AND the $100k it cost you! Oh, by the way, you are 30 years old- it's time to suck it up and get your act together!" (The more angry I get, the more I start addressing myself in the third person- yes, I know it's a problem)
Then comes bargaining: "Okay, I will practice law for five years, pay my loans down, and learn everything I can about photography, THEN I will leave the law behind and pursue this thing that awakens my soul." "Well...what if I practiced law part-time and did photography part-time? In a down economy, I'm sure that there are PLENTY of firms who would be happy to hire me on a part-time basis, right?" "No, no, no...practice for five years- you can do it, Cindy- be strong!"
And then I come to depression: "Don't be crazy...I have owned this camera for how many months? I'm not artistic...just face it, Cindy- you are stuck being a lawyer." (insert a big sigh)
The inevitable acceptance often appears as a bedfellow of the depression stage: "So that's that. The law it is."
My problem is that I never stay in depression or acceptance very long...I spend a gigantic amount of time and energy in bargaining. Justin bears my "bargaining" (as well as all the other stages!) like such a champ! He never fails to kiss me and tell me that he wants me to be happy- no matter what I decide to do with my life. (Which sends me right back to the bargaining table!)
I would venture to say that my "problem" is a true privilege- I am not deciding between food and rent here, but rather whether to choose one career path or another
while enjoying the support and encouragement of those that love me!
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
1.20.09
What a day!
I was awoken this morning by my adorable husband shaking me and saying, in a voice that allows me to imagine him as a little boy, "It's snowing!! Get up! Let's go look at it!" I love him. And snow. And the collective sigh of relief that comes with the thought, "Snow day." Sure enough, there was nearly an inch on the ground when I awoke and it kept gently falling until just after noon.
Of course, today is no ordinary snow day. Today's snow day allowed me to sit on the couch, snuggled warmly under my treasured hand-crocheted blanket, a huge pot of minestrone soup bubbling away on the stovetop, steaming cup of coffee in hand. Today's snow day allowed me to watch, without interruption, the forty-fourth peaceful passing of power from one leader to the next. To absorb a moment in history that I am sure to tell my grandchildren about. To listen to an articulation of change, sacrifice, and courage that resonated profoundly. To be inspired by my nation's leader for the first time in my life.
Today's snow day seemed to be an undeniable message from the universe: Stop. Look. Remember.
I love the snow.
I was awoken this morning by my adorable husband shaking me and saying, in a voice that allows me to imagine him as a little boy, "It's snowing!! Get up! Let's go look at it!" I love him. And snow. And the collective sigh of relief that comes with the thought, "Snow day." Sure enough, there was nearly an inch on the ground when I awoke and it kept gently falling until just after noon.
Of course, today is no ordinary snow day. Today's snow day allowed me to sit on the couch, snuggled warmly under my treasured hand-crocheted blanket, a huge pot of minestrone soup bubbling away on the stovetop, steaming cup of coffee in hand. Today's snow day allowed me to watch, without interruption, the forty-fourth peaceful passing of power from one leader to the next. To absorb a moment in history that I am sure to tell my grandchildren about. To listen to an articulation of change, sacrifice, and courage that resonated profoundly. To be inspired by my nation's leader for the first time in my life.
Today's snow day seemed to be an undeniable message from the universe: Stop. Look. Remember.
I love the snow.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Setting the...bar?
So a curious thing has started happening over the past several months. It began in fits and starts when I began the process of looking for wedding photographers and was introduced to the wide fabulous world of photography blogs (you can follow people's lives and thoughts and see their images as they happen! Who knew?!?)! It started to get worse as I learned a little more here and there. When my friend, Meredith, began getting more serious about her photography (she did our amazing engagement photos!) she became my drug dealer- providing me with photography "crack" in every conversation.
This curious thing, this sense of coming alive whenever I learn some tidbit of information about photography, whenever I find a free moment to catch up on one of the various blogs I follow, to see what new and amazing images some talented person created, just seems to keep getting worse and worse. I'm going to be a lawyer. I have spent 3 (more, actually, but that is a "whole other" post!) years striving and working and sacrificing to attain this degree so that I can make the world a more just place-right? right? RIGHT? Surely I will like practice more than I like law school...surely! And I just have to find that type of law that doesn't feel completely out of line with those parts of me I treasure most...it's out there somewhere, right? I just have to find it...and stay focused...stay focused!!
Do I have to? Or
This curious thing, this sense of coming alive whenever I learn some tidbit of information about photography, whenever I find a free moment to catch up on one of the various blogs I follow, to see what new and amazing images some talented person created, just seems to keep getting worse and worse. I'm going to be a lawyer. I have spent 3 (more, actually, but that is a "whole other" post!) years striving and working and sacrificing to attain this degree so that I can make the world a more just place-right? right? RIGHT? Surely I will like practice more than I like law school...surely! And I just have to find that type of law that doesn't feel completely out of line with those parts of me I treasure most...it's out there somewhere, right? I just have to find it...and stay focused...stay focused!!
Do I have to? Or
Friday, January 16, 2009
I LOVE this!!
A few weeks ago, the fabulous photographers that we hired for our wedding, Jen & Gary Mobbs, invited me to come shoot some weddings with them (I will be posting about that soon!!). While enjoying a little downtime between weddings, we were playing around on the computer and they showed me this Dove commercial that I hadn't seen before. I realize that everyone else in the world seems to have seen it, but just in case you are as out of touch as I am, here it is...
Isn't it awesome!?! Between my burgeoning love affair with photoshop and my frustration about the unrealistic expectations that society has about beauty, this just hit all the right cords with me!
Isn't it awesome!?! Between my burgeoning love affair with photoshop and my frustration about the unrealistic expectations that society has about beauty, this just hit all the right cords with me!
Monday, November 24, 2008
Holy Cow...it's time!!!!
I am going to keep this brief as it is very nearly 4am and I still have quite a bit to do before I get to sleep (I say this as though I believe I will sleep tonight...)
WE ARE GOING TO VIRGINIA IN 6 HOURS! I am getting married in 5 days!!
Between this moment and that one, I need to figure out how to get an ENORMOUS amount of "stuff" into Justin and my cars! Justin spent approximately 5 hours today trying to acquire and then assemble all of the correct pieces to move the Yakima rack from the roof of the old KIA (aka "The Roller Skate" who, after 200,000 miles and many a fond memory will soon be joining the ranks of NPR donations) onto the Mazda. I'm not sure that he actually finished, but between the dark (you should have seen how cute he was out there with his headlamp on) and the cold (hey- it got into the low 30s!), he bailed around 9pm.
I also need to finish a tax research project, at least start two separate tax finals (have I mentioned how much I love law school and how impeccable my choice of wedding date is in relation to final exams...), bake my wedding cake, assemble welcome gifts, meet with my vendors one final time, and remember that THIS is IT! This is the "stuff of life", those moments that you look back on for the rest of your days as "the good stuff." I searched for 30 years for the "right" guy (well, a good chunk of that time was spent finding the "right" ME, figuring out what I wanted in the "right" guy, and then recognizing that I found him once I had! But you get the picture...). My goal this week is, aside from doing what I can as far as getting my "to do" list taken care of, to be here in this moment, to be fully present and to STOP and recognize how fortunate I truly am. I have so much to be grateful for, this Thanksgiving even more than usual!
So just in case I don't find a moment to post in the next week or so, bear with my silence and I promise to make up for it over the Christmas holiday! In the meantime, Happy Thanksgiving!!!
WE ARE GOING TO VIRGINIA IN 6 HOURS! I am getting married in 5 days!!
Between this moment and that one, I need to figure out how to get an ENORMOUS amount of "stuff" into Justin and my cars! Justin spent approximately 5 hours today trying to acquire and then assemble all of the correct pieces to move the Yakima rack from the roof of the old KIA (aka "The Roller Skate" who, after 200,000 miles and many a fond memory will soon be joining the ranks of NPR donations) onto the Mazda. I'm not sure that he actually finished, but between the dark (you should have seen how cute he was out there with his headlamp on) and the cold (hey- it got into the low 30s!), he bailed around 9pm.
I also need to finish a tax research project, at least start two separate tax finals (have I mentioned how much I love law school and how impeccable my choice of wedding date is in relation to final exams...), bake my wedding cake, assemble welcome gifts, meet with my vendors one final time, and remember that THIS is IT! This is the "stuff of life", those moments that you look back on for the rest of your days as "the good stuff." I searched for 30 years for the "right" guy (well, a good chunk of that time was spent finding the "right" ME, figuring out what I wanted in the "right" guy, and then recognizing that I found him once I had! But you get the picture...). My goal this week is, aside from doing what I can as far as getting my "to do" list taken care of, to be here in this moment, to be fully present and to STOP and recognize how fortunate I truly am. I have so much to be grateful for, this Thanksgiving even more than usual!
So just in case I don't find a moment to post in the next week or so, bear with my silence and I promise to make up for it over the Christmas holiday! In the meantime, Happy Thanksgiving!!!
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Study Break...
I thought I'd take some silly pictures while I waited for my appellate brief to print...I'm tired!!
What did the world do before "Starby's"? My favorite vice!
So these are unfortunately soft...I have real issues getting my photos sharp! Suggestions, anyone? She's so much more patient with me in the middle of the night- I think she might assume that if she cooperates, we'll go to bed sooner!
I bought Justin's wedding gift on Monday! I'm dying to give it to him! Do you like my decorating? I love to pretend I don't have an ever-growing pile of work in front of me!
Have I mentioned that I'm having an illicit affair? It's only with my camera and I'm not sure that that counts, but Justin may beg to differ...
What did the world do before "Starby's"? My favorite vice!
So these are unfortunately soft...I have real issues getting my photos sharp! Suggestions, anyone? She's so much more patient with me in the middle of the night- I think she might assume that if she cooperates, we'll go to bed sooner!
I bought Justin's wedding gift on Monday! I'm dying to give it to him! Do you like my decorating? I love to pretend I don't have an ever-growing pile of work in front of me!
Have I mentioned that I'm having an illicit affair? It's only with my camera and I'm not sure that that counts, but Justin may beg to differ...
Monday, November 10, 2008
A moment of solitude...
Amidst the craziness of weddings and school, I've found myself in desperate need of a moment to myself lately. The opportunity for one came up suddenly while running an errand Friday afternoon! I realized, as I was about to get back onto the highway to head home, that I was right next to the entrance to a great local park. Umstead Park has a plethora of fantastic trails as well as great picnic spots and I really loved the opportunity to get to know it better a few years ago when I ran the very well executed Umstead Trail Marathon.
So I decided to avail myself of the opportunity and eat my lunch at the park. I didn't have much time, but even those 10 minutes were sufficient to bring a sense of calm back into my heart. It's no secret that I love fall deeply and the light in the trees was just incredible. I'm so glad that fall has come to North Carolina!
Monday, November 3, 2008
My Runaway Groom...
Justin ran Raleigh's City of Oaks Half-Marathon yesterday and I thought I'd share a few of the highlights! He ran the full marathon last year and spoke highly of the course, albeit mentioning several times how hilly it was. This was his first half-marathon and he has proclaimed that it might be the ideal distance!
Being there as a "groupie" made me ache to be out there, too! I will heed my doctors' warnings, but I am thoroughly looking forward to my next long race!
Here are a few fun shots...
Packet pick-up
Only Justin is this happy to start running 13.1 miles!
The big finish...
Post race- no one will accuse him of not working hard!
Being there as a "groupie" made me ache to be out there, too! I will heed my doctors' warnings, but I am thoroughly looking forward to my next long race!
Here are a few fun shots...
Packet pick-up
Only Justin is this happy to start running 13.1 miles!
The big finish...
Post race- no one will accuse him of not working hard!
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Our Last Planning Weekend!
As I've mentioned before, Justin and I are getting married next month in Williamsburg, Virginia! Located about 3 1/2 hours from where we live in Durham, North Carolina, it has been both fun and challenging to plan a "destination" wedding. This weekend we traveled there for our final confirmation meetings with the site coordinator/ caterer and florist. My Mom was able to come in for a pre-wedding visit and joined us for the trip. Since she lives in Corpus Christi, Texas, it has been difficult for her to be as involved as we'd both like her to be in the preparations and planning, so it was such a treat to have her here!
I will go ahead and formally announce (though I have been saying it for months) that planning our wedding has definitely instilled in me a newfound appreciation for what goes into such an event. What I've realized, though, is that what has been most challenging (other than staying in budget) has not been things like the dress, venue, or menu. What has been toughest has been attempting to figure out how to keep it personal and reflective of not just our tastes or style, but of our values and the kind of marriage we want to have. I'm not someone who has been planning each detail of her dream wedding since she was six years old, but over the years I've definitely developed an idea of what I wanted. Melding this with Justin's ideas, with our current realities (budget, time, etc) and re-evaluating whether that idea I've held onto for eight years is even something I actually still want has been interesting. Who knew that planning my wedding would lead to new levels of self-discovery and growth?!
It's also been one of the most humbling experiences of my life. While Justin and I do our best to remember each day how privileged we are to be so loved and supported by our friends and family, like most people, we occasionally forget to be as grateful as we should be. The process of choosing the guest list was amazing...the list of people in our support community just grew and grew! How did we come to be surrounded by so many exceptional people? ! And as the RSVPs started coming in, we were so moved by how many people were willing to travel over a holiday weekend to be there on our behalf. "Humbling" is an understatement!
So as we enter this final month before the wedding and finals (who plans their wedding for the weekend before her finals start?!), bear with my sporadic postings! I will do my best to write as often as possible!
Thursday, October 23, 2008
A Farewell Dance...
I received some very sad news last night that has been on my mind and I think I should share. It's a reminder to me of how precious and vulnerable our lives and loves really are.
As you know, my friends Brian & Seema were married nine days ago in New Hampshire. Following the amazing weekend, Brian's grandparents, "Grandma & Grandpa D", were driving toward home after flying back to Michigan and were involved in an accident. Both of them suffered relatively minor injuries, although everyone was very concerned about Grandpa D's head injury, which required surgery. Grandma D had a broken ankle, but by the end of last weekend, it sounded like all would be well.
Unfortunately, as often happens as we grow older, a minor injury can become a major problem unexpectedly. Grandma D found herself suddenly short of breath after rising to use the restroom. Days, and several ups and downs later, she passed away Wednesday evening, surrounded by her family.
The image that I cannot get out of my head at the moment is Grandma & Grandpa D at the wedding. Brian and Seema chose to have a "generational dance" where all of the married couples at the reception came together on the dance floor. Every few moments, the DJ would say, "Would all of theose couples married less than 1 (5, 10, 15) year(s) please leave the floor." As the couples dropped off, it became clear that Grandma & Grandpa D were in it for the long haul. At the 50 year mark, there were only two couples left. At 53 years, the other couple dropped and Grandma & Grandpa were named the winners with 55 years of marriage. Afterward, Grandma D said to me in a mischevious whisper, "When it came down to just us & them...it was my cousin and I knew that I had her beat!"
55 years and still in love. Kim told me that, following the accident, both Grandma & Grandpa D said to her seperately that they each had the thought upon impact that their winning dance was their last together. Maybe it's because I'm getting older and the years feel like they are passing so much faster or because I'm getting married next month and can't begin to imagine losing this man that it took me my entire life to find, but my grief for Kim, Brian, Trudy, and especially Grandpa D is profound.
I'm convinced that the most difficult thing about growing older is the depth with which we are forced to recognize the transience, not only of our own existences, but of those that we love. I remember when I was younger feeling afraid and uncertain when I thought of my own death. Now, the fear grips hardest when I think of losing my Mom, or brother & sister, or Justin. When I think of how one errant driver or patch of black ice could make my world dark, it can be difficult to see any light. But I try to remember something that a friend said to me several years ago after I lost a good friend to breast cancer that brought me tremendous comfort. She said that our grief and pain are the reflections, the counterparts, to deep and abiding love, that in the mirror of our loss, we can see the depth of our love, and that love is the only method we have of measuring a life well-lived.
A full life is one where we love and are loved. It's cliche, but true nonetheless. I believe that my success in this life can be quantified only by how much I connect to others, whether they know how much I love them, and how deeply I allow that love to penetrate who I am.
I am so grateful for my community of friends and family. In the wake of my dear friends' loss, I feel compelled to remember how fragile our lives are and to make sure that those I love know it. To the family of Grandma D- I am so sorry for the loss that you've suffered and the grief that you feel, please know that my heart and prayers are with you.
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