The Stages of Grief?

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote the book, "On Death and Dying." In it, she identified five stages that a dying patient experiences when informed of their terminal prognosis:

* Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
* Anger (why is this happening to me?)
* Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
* Depression (I don't care anymore)
* Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

Lately I have felt as though I have been going through these stages as they apply to my career choice. While I would NEVER make light of the grief experienced by one diagnosed with a terminal illness or who recently lost a loved one, I do think that these emotional stages have been present in my day to day of late, albeit clearly to a lesser degree. My mental dialogue has followed a similar path several times a day of late...

First up is denial: "I can't pursue photography- I'm not a talented, artistic person, I don't know enough, and I am GETTING MY LAW DEGREE!!"

Next is anger: "I hate school. No I don't. Yes, I do. Well, too bad, this is the path YOU chose, Cindy, so now you are stuck with it AND the $100k it cost you! Oh, by the way, you are 30 years old- it's time to suck it up and get your act together!" (The more angry I get, the more I start addressing myself in the third person- yes, I know it's a problem)

Then comes bargaining: "Okay, I will practice law for five years, pay my loans down, and learn everything I can about photography, THEN I will leave the law behind and pursue this thing that awakens my soul." "Well...what if I practiced law part-time and did photography part-time? In a down economy, I'm sure that there are PLENTY of firms who would be happy to hire me on a part-time basis, right?" "No, no, no...practice for five years- you can do it, Cindy- be strong!"

And then I come to depression: "Don't be crazy...I have owned this camera for how many months? I'm not artistic...just face it, Cindy- you are stuck being a lawyer." (insert a big sigh)

The inevitable acceptance often appears as a bedfellow of the depression stage: "So that's that. The law it is."

My problem is that I never stay in depression or acceptance very long...I spend a gigantic amount of time and energy in bargaining. Justin bears my "bargaining" (as well as all the other stages!) like such a champ! He never fails to kiss me and tell me that he wants me to be happy- no matter what I decide to do with my life. (Which sends me right back to the bargaining table!)

I would venture to say that my "problem" is a true privilege- I am not deciding between food and rent here, but rather whether to choose one career path or another
while enjoying the support and encouragement of those that love me!